Just Call Me HusseinLien123

While I'm not an Obama supporter, I do detest stupidity. If you haven't heard or read some right wing idiot named Bill Cunningham has been continually referring to Barack Obama as Barack Hussein Obama as if attempting to make a connection between Obama's and terrorists. It's really dumb and so in solidarity with the Momocrats, I hereby rename myself husseinlien123 today and support the fight against stupid small minded bullies like Cunningham.

Being named Lien, a Sino-Vietnamese name which seems impossible for most monolingual English speakers to pronounce correctly, I can testify to some pretty horrifying butchering of my name. (I prefer just "Lin" by the way.) Most of the time this tripping over my name is innocent. Communication for my work for example is done over an instant messenger system or email more often then phone or in person and so most of my coworkers these days see my name before they have to speak it. Typically in meetings or conference calls where I'm speaking with coworkers for the first time, there's some butchering going on. "Lee-in" or "Lee-en" are understandable, though a number of users seem to be incapable of switching to the preferred version, "Leen" is awful, and "Lion" usually allows me to use my other talent of shooting someone a "WTF?" look.

No one has made me feel bad about my name in a long time, hell, the last time someone did it was fourth grade. Fun variations of my name (according to my tormentors) were "Alien", "Line", or in a strange twist of actually pronouncing it correctly, "Evil Lynn", He-Man was popular back in the day. We were 8 (Bill Cunningham is how old?)

--husseinlien123

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World

The world, I'm sorry, the arrogance of that statment...a bit more clarification, the United States has gone mad. J commented today in his sad and weary tone which revealed his state of neglect that he had lost his wife till November but I doubt that he is alone as spouses and significant others abandon their loves for the excitement and potential "change" of an election year. For the past month and a half I've been devouring political news any chance I could during breaks in work, generally sticking to CNN, MSNBC, Newsweek, Time, BBC, New York Times, uh...basically most of what you would call major news organizations (minus Fox). So far what started as a race between a number of democrats with similar ideas and proposals has whittled down. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama generally agree on 90% of the issues. They both have decent records as senators and human beings. She's worked for the rights of children and women while he's worked for poor communities. She's helped get legislation related to health and education through congress, he's helped get anti-poverty, anti-weapons proliferation legislation through. Both of them, are flawed and human and are politicians who flip flop.

I posted and then took down something similar to a week ago mainly because this isn't a political blog, but then, this has seriously taken up a lot of my free time lately. I don't have any updates or responses to anything else because I've been consumed as if all of a sudden the presidency makes a bigger difference to my day to day life than my local government and local issues, which it doesn't. Still no matter how much I like one of the candidates over the other or how much I would accept the other if he won the nomination (because even if I don't agree with the details of his education, healthcare, and Iraq plans, he probably won't nominate conservative anti-abortion justices to the Supreme Court as McCain probably would); I want this primary season to be over.

For all of the high ideals that both candidates wished they and their supporters stood for; the world is a far uglier place and concepts such as racial solidarity and feminism begin to become as authoritarian and intolerant as racism and sexism. The longer this race goes on, the uglier both candidates become to me. The sad part is, it's only partly their fault. The candidates fight and make up and then fight some more, while the rest of us, the pundits and the supporters fight each other.

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What I'm talking about in the last paragraph is related to the following two articles.

Black Ohioans Backing Clinton Feel the Pressure to Switch

NY NOW: "Betrayal!"

Girl Scouts

Should I or shouldn't I let Evie join the Girl Scouts? There have been a few flyers sent home and she's very excited to give it a try. However, I'm not entirely sure I support the fact that she'll have to take an oath that mentions a divine figure (non-denominational true, but why do they have to take an oath that mentions God at all?) Nor am I certain if I agree with the obvious, that the Girl Scouts are only for girls. (I mean, what if my Sweet Pea JT wanted to join? He could join the Cub Scouts, but then Cub Scouts don't sell cookies.) I am especially not certain about their anti-discrimination policies that allow local chapters to decide on how to manage and interpret their own rules so that while one chapter might have its own version of don't ask don't tell, everyone is free and equal if you aren't different, but if you are, please keep it hush hush. Another chapter might choose to spell it out that everyone should treat everyone equally no matter what race, religion, orientation. All this to say, really, I'm not sure I'm ready for Evie to be a part of any organization that already limits half the population and has had issues in the past regarding discrimination.

I DO see advantages though. The Girl Scouts is an organized group that empowers girls and allows them to participate in activities that she might not normally try just by her lonesome. And while I've never been particularly close to my sisters, Evie won't have any and so the idea of allowing her to join a sisterhood of sorts is rather appealing in an idealized thinking kind of way.

What do you think? Do you have any experience with the Girl Scouts? Do you think we could get a discount on those fabulous artery clogging cookies if Evie joins up?

The Pink Lotus Said to the Mommy Butterfly...

I have a friend who lives in the twin cities area in the Great White North that is Minnesota. She’s kind, smart, gentle, respectful, and thoughtful. We give each other “hugs” and track the development of our respective kids. Her little girl and my little guy are roughly the same age though I think her little girl is more brain and emotion to my guy’s brawn and energy (he broke a store’s glass door last weekend…with a pebble…long story short, it cost me about $300, one hundred off the initial estimate, anyhoo). We keep in touch via email and blog comments. My friend is currently going through a hard time in her life and of course, like any decent friend I offered to help. She being too proud and too human; declined my offer graciously (though it still stands). I don’t know if my respect for her could have grown anymore, but it did. She said it was too much to accept from an online friend, because, oh yeah, we’ve never actually met in person before.

I wonder though, if that actually matters. I’m lucky to have a group of wonderful friends out here in “the real world” but there are people who I know solely online. Some of these friends, because they are my friends (no adjectives and qualifiers necessary), I’ve known for over a dozen years and they know me completely on the inside. There’s no outer shell to get in the way. These friends are no less real to me despite our friendship being maintained via email, IM, and IRC. In fact, I think many of them know more about me than many of my offline friends. In times of hardship, my online friends have provided just as much if not more support as my “real life” friends. There are things that are so easy to say via faceless, toneless text in various fonts and states of capitalization and punctuation that no phone call or meeting could do. These are real relationships, because the emotions are real. The caring and concern are real.

My online friends and I often work long hours. We all spend at least 50 hours a week in small enclosed areas called offices or cubicles with little or no meaningful interaction with others. As social beings, we reach out in whatever way we can; to stay sane, to :wave: and :hug: and :slap with trout:; or even, to cry and lean on when there’s no one else awake at 3am because you know they’ll get back to you when they see your message. Is it less real because even though we’ve touched each other emotionally and intellectually, we’ve never shaken hands or have seen each other in person? While I doubt it’s healthy to have friends who are only from the internet, as long as everyone is being honest, I don’t think internet friendships are less real than many relationships out in the real world. There is nothing virtual about friendship, compassion, and empathy.

That is why I want to say to my friend in the twin cities, I’m thinking about you and I care about you. I’m hoping and praying for the best for both you and your daughter. You are my friend, not my online friend, or blog buddy, or whatever people like to call it to diminish the importance of connecting with people who are not in your immediate physical vicinity. You are my friend and I am here for you. Hell, I’m only a few clicks away.

PS To another friend, Kim Lee - GOOD LUCK TODAY!!

Responses and Animal Sounds

RESPONSES and UPDATES: RE: Evolving Evie...and Lien - I had a long internal debate on whether or not to post my picture but in the end I figured that the first step to acknowledging that I'm "not ugly" is to just open up and acknowledge that hey, this is what I look like. This is me. Just as I accept and respect not only Evie, but everyone around me, so too should I accept and respect myself.

Thanks to everyone who commented with compliments and words of encouragement as well as for sharing your own horror stories of mean classmates. Kids really are cruel and I shared your stories and comments with Evie who smiled and seemed pleased that she isn't alone.

Special thanks to HM for the fantastic link! It is hard this parenting thing, especially when you're working on yourself as well.

RE: Birthday wishes - Thank you for all the happy birthday wishes and facebook pokes. J and I spent a weekend away from the kids at one of the Westin hotels in San Francisco. He surprised me with a vase of flowers delivered directly to our room. We spent the weekend sleeping in and watching the Discovery Channel and Groundhog Day. We then had lunch and dinner at two fancy "Vietnamese" restaurants; The Slanted Door for lunch and Thanh Long for dinner with friends. Both reminded me that hey! this tastes like my mom's cooking!

Finally...RE: My aunt - Still no word on whether or not the authorities in Vietnam have done anything. It's pretty clear that my aunt has suffered some brain damage. She can no longer stand with assistance as her head hurts when she does and she can no longer move without shaking. In other words, she will probably not be able to work...for a long time. The horror of this event has made our lunar new year celebrations nonexistent. No one in the family has been in the mood for celebrating. My grandma still has no idea that her youngest daughter has been hurt. I don't know how long we can keep this secret from her. Everyone is afraid of her worrying and demanding to go back to Vietnam only to worry some more. J mentioned how wrong it was that no one is telling her what happened. If something horrible happened to our kids, we would want to know right away. We would be angry and upset with anyone who kept that sort of information from us. There IS no justification for keeping my grandma in the dark. No justification except that we would fear for her health and state of mind.

A few days ago I thought of my aunt and how she looks very similar to my mom. I imagined my mom's face bloodied and bruised and I couldn't stop crying at the thought that my aunt will probably not be able to live her life without pain again; will not be able to return to her business for a long time. She was the sole breadwinner for her family. I come from a long line of strong women who support our husbands and families in times when they are down and out. All this seems so very unfair, unjustified, and hopeless considering the lack of response from the Vietnamese authorities. Being so far away, "helpless"; that is indeed how we are feeling here. I told my mom about all your comments and wishes and they are so very appreciated.

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ANIMAL SOUNDS

Anyhoo, it's been depressing around here...but hey, that's what toddlers are for. JT is my little ball of energy and still speaks toddlerese with a smattering of English and Vietnamese. He's very bright but mischievious and loves to joke and laugh. He disarms me with his charm every time. Yesterday morning, I was tired from a long work and school week. JT woke me up and we ended up making talking about animal sounds before I decided to record him on video. He currently knows that Cows say "moo", chickens say "bawk!", ducks say "quack", pigs say "oink", and sheep say "baa". But obviously, when on camera, one has to be dramatic and moo and bawk! are SO much more fun to say than all those other ones.

For some reason the video keeps getting lighter or dimmer and the title clips are off centered. I don't know if it's my camera or my video editing software. Hmm...might just be user error.

Slow Justice in a Banana Republic

Forgive me everyone; for intruding into your peaceful space with this tale of woe and misery. It's the second day of the Lunar New Year which is the biggest and most important holiday of the year for many cultures around the world. People all around are wishing others peace and prosperity. Me? I'm hoping a number of people go straight to hell.

This morning I've gotten word that one of my aunts in Vietnam (my mom's only little sister) was brutally beaten on Wednesday. Occuring the day before the Lunar New Year, the local police have refused to do anything about the case until after the three day holiday, leaving the perpetrators to run free causing my little cousins to fear for their lives during what should be the happiest time of year for them.

According to my mom who got the phone call this morning from one of my little sisters who is currently in Vietnam preparing for her wedding there; my aunt's husband and his older brother had a heated argument over land. This argument had nothing to do with my aunt (who is one of the sweetest ladies you'd ever meet), she wasn't even there. However, her husband's older brother's wife (her SIL if you will) decided to get involved by going to my aunt's business and berate her. Suddenly, the woman attacked my aunt (who of course fought back and defended herself). Customers pitched in and helped stop the fight and my aunt, being a busy lady, just let it go. This was, after all a family matter and apparantly everyone knew her SIL was mean.

This was a mistake as later the SIL brought her four grown (college educated but stil thuggish) kids to the back of my aunt's business. The SIL posted two of them at the door and cornered my aunt and my little 14 year old cousin in their back store room. There, the SIL had her kids, my cousins' cousins, beat my aunt to a bloodly pulp with a hard hat of some sort in front of her daughter. My cousin was able to somehow get out of the door and ran for help but was persued by one of HER OWN COUSINS. She finally got to a safe place and was able to get some relatives to come help and said relatives called the police and ambulance.

As mentioned, the police did a cursive search but let the matter drop until the end of the New Year's holiday. My aunt is currently in the hospital with wounds so serious that my little sister upon seeing her immediately fainted. According to my mom from my sister's information relay, there is probably brain damage and perhaps even paralysis. My cousins are living in fear and have not been able to stop shaking.

We here in the US are trying to figure out what we can do to help. We haven't let my grandma know yet as we're afraid she might worry but for those of us who do know, we're all both outraged and resigned to the fact that justice in Vietnam is not swift and many times completely blind. I'm worried that this will be put aside as a family dispute and no one will be punished. When you are beaten so badly that you end up in the hospital, you can't just "let it go". I don't care where you are, assault is generally illegal even if the perpetrators are family. My mom's siblings have all gathered by my aunt along with her husband (who is curiously absent from this account isn't he?) My youngest sister (a lawyer) is going to be heading to Vietnam to engage one of her Vietnamese lawyer acquaintences to build a case against these people and to get the police to actually get off their asses and do their jobs. My mom will most likely follow soon. The only thing that I can do from here, is help support my mom and sister by looking up information on emergency travel and legal recourses prior to their trips.

We are going to do everything in our power to make sure my aunt gets some justice. I haven't spent much time in Vietnam but when I am there, she has always been kind and gracious. She's one of those people you hear about who are almost saintly in their kindness and gentility and when you meet them, you find out that it's true. I have a lot of relatives in Vietnam, but the thought that this has happened to HER has caused a flood of emotions from outrage to sadness to hope. I hope that she is ok and will recover. I hope that she that the emotional damage from this is not lasting. I hope I can help.

Back to normal programming with responses in the next post.

Evolving Evie...and Lien

I asked Evie a few nights ago if she liked herself and her answers surprised me in terms of their obstinacy. No amount of persuasion could deter her from the self knowledge that she was ugly, "too small", and fat. Evie, is one of the youngest and smallest children in her grade. There is only one other child who is smaller and that is because he may have some developmental issues. From our conversation, it's clear that some bullying has been happening at school where an unnamed and unidentified fourth grader has been telling Evie that she's too small to do anything and that she's an ugly little thing. Worse yet, some of her classmates have picked up on the teasing.

At one point, I was visibly angry and Evie backtracked to say that her friends don't say those things (her friends now include last year's Mean Girl). However, her physical stature is one that bothers her a great deal as well as her relative age being one of the youngest kids in class. Most of Evie's classmates will be turning seven during the school year while Evie herself only turned six a few months ago. Mentally, she is beyond capable of keeping up with her classmates, however, it sounds like some of her classmates see her as someone different than them.

I've had a few days to think about whether or not to get involved with the school and other parents regarding this issue now and I think, much as it pains me, that the best course of action in the long run, is to encourage Evie to believe in herself and her merits and allow her to develop a thicker skin. She's my first baby, my only little girl and sometimes I want to lock her in a protective cage to keep others from harming my precious child. I wish for something beyond reality, and that's for the world and life to be forever kind to my kids. But if the world is always kind and if they are never hurt, never exposed to negativity; how would they ever see the light and beauty in this world, themselves, and others? How does one, for example, teach the meaning of kindness without having knowledge of the opposite? Besides, I don't think it's even possible to put one's children in proverbial bubbles (though I'd check out the infomercial if someone invented one).

At bedtime, I told Evie once again, that she is beautiful and that people come in all shapes and sizes. Everyone has different abilities and capabilities. I reiterated Rachel's advice from last year of vocalizing her displeasure when someone is mean to her. I'm not sure she believed me, but she was empowered to speak up, and fell asleep peacefully.

I realize, this will be a conversation that we'll be having over and over and over again throughout the years. One friend emailed to say that perhaps little girls mirror the self esteem levels of their mothers despite what their mother's tell them. I appreciate the truth in that and have been trying to improve my own self image as well. Something I haven't remembered in years has been going through my mind in the last few days. I've mentioned in the past that I have some mild agoraphobia. I had been home from college for days without going outside. My little brother on his way out said to me, "You're not ugly you know." I cried after he left, confused because I didn't know what to believe about myself.

I wonder now, how a person who has my kind of emotional history can raise children with any kind of confidence level beyond low. The answer is of course, that I have to be more confident myself. So, to cap this long and meandering post which began with Evie, I'll end with Lien, who both hopes and fears that her daughter is a reflection of her mother.

(In the style of Angie's 3 Things) Here are three things I like about my physical self:

1)I like my face. My sisters and cousins tell me that I have the nicest facial complexion in the family -- clear and peachy. I've had male friends ask if I'm wearing make up when I'm not (I rarely do) so it's nice to know that my features stand out without needing makeup. My eyelashes are reasonably long and thick enough so I don't need much eyeliner or mascara to make them appear thicker. My lips don't need liner and are a decent color without lipstick. I'm a little unhappy with my nose but then so is Sarah Jessica Parker and I like my chin when I can see it and as a resting place for my hand.
2) I like my finger nails, my mom is a manicurist (oi, Vietnamese and nail salons, one day I shall rant and rant about that one) and she tells me I have very nice nails. All by their lonesome, they just need a quick buff to look like a french manicure.
3) Hmm, is it sad that I'm really pressed to come up with three? I'll have to get back to this one.

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RESPONSES:

Thank you bloggy friends for your comments of advice, cyber hugs, and support.

You give great advice. I'm going to stop talking about dieting (I've lost 15lbs since November, weight watchers really does work!) around the kids. I'll definitely keep up with the praise and affirmations. I'll also try to be on my best behavior regarding exercise and activity. I'm currently trying to convince J that we all need to find a family fitness activity that we all like. Some form of martial arts might be in order (as inspired by Ms. FingKASIL)

Sandra, I ordered that American Girl Real Beauty book. It looks like it has some great ideas on how to inspire Evie (and myself) to a better self image. Thanks for the suggestion!

Kim and Kimberley, I know right, SIX! It seems like the half life for an innocent and carefree childhood keeps getting shorter and shorter with every generation.

Alice, you hit on something that I think will be very important and that is consistency. The world can be unpredictable, but our home should be consistently a haven for love and support. In other words, it should be a home. How many ills of this world could be avoided if everyone had a safe and secure place to go to both physically and emotionally?

halfmama and Angela, thank you, thank you thank you for sharing and letting me know my Evie is not alone. HM, the concept of being happy with your looks is totally foreign to me too.

Hedgehog, I hope it's a phase too, but if not, I'm going to make myself ready for the long haul on this one.

PS I know everyone knows what Evie looks like, but in case you don't know, this is what I look like.

Portrait of "Not Ugly" in fact, some might even say "pretty"