Evolving Evie 2

4:40 AM and I'm supposed to be studying, but of course, I'm worried about Evie. J and I had an IM conversation earlier today while we were at our respective jobs and he typed, "Kids=Stress, Girls=5X Stress".

The conversation was on a different Evie related topic, but still, it fits. I don't think I worry about JT's emotional health as much as Evie's. There's so much in this world that is meant to break down a person's self esteem in order to make one want to conform to someone's idea of normal. For some reason, it feels as though the vast majority of this pressure is aimed at women and girls. I wonder if I felt this pressure at such a young age.

Evie has already started comparing her body to other girls and has said she's "fat and need[s] to lose weight". She occasionally starts doing jumping jacks while saying she needs more exercise. As someone who's always struggled with weight, it's heartbreaking that she says these things compulsively, as if these are natural things for young girls to be discussing with others. I wonder if J and I made her think about herself this way by mentioning that we need to lose some weight (which we do).

There's just this change in Evie since she began school again after the holidays. She's still the happy silly old soul she was before, but her speech has been colored by sporatic proclamations of self loathing that I can't bear to hear. Who wants to hear someone they love speak of themselves in such a way? I don't know what else to do but be supportive and give her extra hugs and encouragment. What would you do?

Evolving Evie

Sometimes shy and coy, other times bold and adventurous; Evie's the kind of girl that can't be described in a few words. There is so much about her that is surprising. She's six and a quarter years old. She's "small for her age"; most people assume at first guess assume she's four or five. At first meeting she's usually pretty quiet and seemingly overly concerned with rules and manners. Once she sits around you awhile, she'll open up and start talking. Sometimes she'll be very silly and speak of things that involve a suspension of reality and a belief in things nonsensical.

"Knock knock!" she'll say.
"Who's there?"
"Apple!"
"Apple who?"
"Apple a banana dee doo!" she'll say giggling uncontrollably.

Then, there'll be a pause and she'll compose herself to ask, "Was that funny?" And all you can do is laugh at the strange transition.

Other times, Evie is high strung and serious. She'll worry about who is paying for her lunch, or whether or not you have said please or thank you and that perhaps she should behave a certain way otherwise the adults around won't be happy with her. Evie is the kind of child, who declines chocolate chip cookies because they're not good for you.

Sometimes perfectly six and sometimes as old as 42, I wonder what is going on in that little brain of hers. I wonder if her behaviors are a manifestation of my parenting; if her anxieties are because I tell her too much about reality. Perhaps she wouldn't worry so much about how she behaves, if I didn't keep asking her to "be serious". Are her silly nonsensical jokes a counter reaction to all the expections that are forced on her now that she's a "big girl"? How much of this is hard wired? How much of this little person's soul was in place from the beginning and how much did I have a hand in shaping anyway? How much did God give you my Evie?

I don't know many six year olds, but how many are like mine? At six and a quarter, Evie knows how to whistle full songs and have as many as three hula hoops going at once. If we had more hula hoops, perhaps she could do more. She knows how to blow giant bubbles with her bubble gum and play several songs on her violin (well, Twinkle Twinkle, and about six other songs when she has her notated sheet music). She can understand Vietnamese, and some Spanish. She knows what to do if you ask her to do a plie. She can count by twos and tie her shoes and sing a few dozen songs off key with girlish giggles. She can read "I Can Read" chapter books.

When I was six, I played hopscotch, climbed bushes, caught bunny rabbits and tortured ants with my uncles. I don't know if I could do half as much as Evie does. You see, Evie taught herself how to do the vast majority of what she knows. She taught herself how to whistle, how to blow bubble gum, and how to hula hoop and jump rope and do a cartwheel. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just a bystander to her growth and progress. I just point her in a certain direction and follow in her wake.

****

Lately, Evie has been saying things that have made my heart skip a beat. She says, "I'm stupid! I can't do anything right!" or "I'm so ugly and dumb, I hate myself." I don't know where she's getting these words and ideas that are so hurtful to herself and to her parents. We tell her she's beautiful, smart, and so accomplished; we ask her who tells her these things that she says them of herself and she says, "No one." She's six years old! SIX!

Tonight, she practiced on a new violin as she had outgrown her old one and a familiar old song did not sound right to her, "It sounds all wrong!" she cried, "I give up the violin!" She sobbed and sobbed and all I could say was, "Evie, Evie, what's wrong? You sound great! You are such an accomplished little girl. You know how to whistle, mommy doesn't know how to whistle. You know how to hula hoop, you know, mommy doesn't know how to do that. You can play the violin, mommy can't play the violin. You have so much to be proud of, don't quit. You can do this. How many of your classmates can do all these things? You are such a talented little girl."

I wanted to cry myself as I wondered if I said the right things or if these comparisons with others make her feel worse. What does it say then, that she played the song again, perfectly, then put her violin away and went to sleep with tears in her eyes?

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RESPONSES:

Thanks to everyone who wished us well on our NYC trip. It was fun, if stressful with the two little ones. Not that they were badly behaved but stressful in the sense that struggling with bundling up and down due to the twenty something degree weather dampened the fun a bit. Apparently trying to put a toddler in a coat he can barely lower his arms in causes said toddler to flail and cry...a lot.

Jonathan and Angela, I see why you love NYC. There was so much to do and we only visited some of the museums.

Arirang, I loved your city. We'll have to go again in a warmer season. There's so much that we didn't get to see.

Hedgehog and MN, NYC is SO worth a visit, but Kim's right, I don't know about living there. I don't know how Arirang and Metrodad do it. Wouldn't it be great if we could all just meet there? I'd totally be up for a blogging "conference" in New York.

la dra, we didn't get to meet the famous Metrodad. He had mentioned that he might be busy during our visit. Ah well.

And finally, Sandra and SP, zombies are yet another reason why we live in a small(er) city. Everyone knows they only go for the big ones.

Overheard in New York

The lotus life family is currently in New York City enjoying the sites and trying not to kill the two smallest members due to perpetual whining and running off without their leashes (I keed! I don't put leashes on my children...yet). We've been going on a trip every weekend for the month of January; taking advantage of off season travel sales and comp time off. There's so much to write about and very little time these days. This quarter I am attempting a full time course load as well as full time work and so blogging has been bumped down a few notches on the priority scale.

Anyhoo, back to our being in New York City. There are so many things I want to remember; our trip to the American Museum of Natural History, the Metropolitan Museam of Art, the fact that we raced through much of the latter due to our lovely children and their need for naps and things to touch, the discovery that the food in the San Francisco Bay Area is SO MUCH BETTER; the realization that due to our being so incredibly spoiled by our area food scene, every destination will probably be a disappointment foodwise. Ah, so much to write about and remember. The kids will probably not remember much of anything about this trip (so we'll have to bring them back again sometime), but J, he has only one real memory that he'll cherish forever.

While we were rushing through the Met Museum, through a section devoted to nekkid ancient Greeks to be exact, J burst out laughing inexplicably while I was eyeballing the details of the impossibly high ceiling. I gave him a quizzical look thinking he might have spied a disproportionately tiny winky or something, however, he responded to my look by explaining that he had just overheard some museum guards say, "...if the zombie invasion happened during the day, we'd probably die at the museum..." Ah, I (heart) New York.

A Picture From Yesterday

Dear Son,

Please remember that I am not posting this picture to embarrass you. I am posting this, to share your cuteness with the world. After all, after seeing you yesterday morning, with your hair violently coiffed into the perfect fauxhawk and red underwear, I couldn't resist finding a camera as soon as I could. Although the fauxhawk lost a few of its peaks as you resisted being photographed (as you settled into the inevitability of posterity and potential future blackmailing that is mommy with camera), I think you look pretty darn cute.

Love you,

Mommy

The Joys of Telecommuting

This morning JT toddled in like a drunken 80's party animal with his bedhead hair sticking straight up in a fauxhawk. His black sweater jacket, which he had absolutely refused to take off the night before, was unzipped but still attached at the base of the zipper. The sleeves of his sweater were pushed up to his elbows and he was pantless except for some red rocketship underwear. (Alas, he's still being potty trained, as the underwear was over a ripe pullup.) No amount of coaxing last night could make him put on pants that would cover up his precious underwear.

I burst out laughing at the sight of him and he whimpered and demanded a hug. "You're very lucky mommy doesn't have a camera on hand," I thought. Still, that image this morning deserved some sort of record for posterity.

12:10 Update: The boy put on pants. Fauxhawk remains.

A Short Break

Ok, I think I need to write something before y'all abandon me. For once, the reason for my blogosphere absence has less to do with being busy and more to do with being incredibly lazy. I've been on "vacation" since my marathon work shift on New Years Eve/Day (which went by quite quickly thanks to a new found obsession with various forms of solitaire.)

During my time off (sans J, who is still away on business), I recruited a few of my cousins to assist as I spent some quality time with the kids around the lovely Bay Area. We went to the cool zoo on the right side of the Bay, the Exploratorium, San Francisco Japantown, then south to the Tech Museum and dinner at J's uncle's italian restaurant in San Jose. The weather could have been better as it's been pouring all week, but the kids had a great time running around, checking out animals, exhibits, and throwing fits after long days of fun with mommy. I had fun, though I need a vacation from my vacation. I guess that's what work is really for...

And then in the quiet hours after the day is over, I'd sit and miss J. I've been thinking about the fact that 2008 is our tenth year together. Ten years of life together, first as a very young couple starting out with our own little apartment; then as husband and wife expecting a surprise bundle; buying a home; planning and having another baby; selling our home; J graduating from college; me, returning after a decade long absence - it's been a busy ten years. I won't lie and say that everything was great, but all our ups were experienced together, all our downs we weathered without killing each other; it wasn't great, it was good. I believe for most people, the natural order of things has been to get an education, have a career, and then have a family when one is good and ready and grown up. J and I, we grew together and grew a family at the same time. My husband is only 26 years old, and I'm 29 (we are 3 1/2 years apart, no cradle robbing jabs please, I've heard them all). How many people our age have done all this and remained happy, wiser, changed, and still changing, together?

I'm also turning 30 this year. Originally I was going to live it up this year, perhaps go on a trip with my girlfriends and cousins, take better care of myself and manage my time so that there's more me time. Ages that end in zero ought to be celebrated and special right? Alas, I'm not 20 anymore, and I'm not alone anymore. It's not just about me anymore. I think instead, this is the year WE'RE going to live it up and explore a little, WE are turning 10. Hopefully, J and I can squeeze in some time for just us.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

J is out of town on a business trip (9 days, ick) and I'm doing an all night shift watching our servers (6pm to 6am). May the new year keep us continually employed and may all of you have a happy happy new year.