Evolving Evie...and Lien

I asked Evie a few nights ago if she liked herself and her answers surprised me in terms of their obstinacy. No amount of persuasion could deter her from the self knowledge that she was ugly, "too small", and fat. Evie, is one of the youngest and smallest children in her grade. There is only one other child who is smaller and that is because he may have some developmental issues. From our conversation, it's clear that some bullying has been happening at school where an unnamed and unidentified fourth grader has been telling Evie that she's too small to do anything and that she's an ugly little thing. Worse yet, some of her classmates have picked up on the teasing.

At one point, I was visibly angry and Evie backtracked to say that her friends don't say those things (her friends now include last year's Mean Girl). However, her physical stature is one that bothers her a great deal as well as her relative age being one of the youngest kids in class. Most of Evie's classmates will be turning seven during the school year while Evie herself only turned six a few months ago. Mentally, she is beyond capable of keeping up with her classmates, however, it sounds like some of her classmates see her as someone different than them.

I've had a few days to think about whether or not to get involved with the school and other parents regarding this issue now and I think, much as it pains me, that the best course of action in the long run, is to encourage Evie to believe in herself and her merits and allow her to develop a thicker skin. She's my first baby, my only little girl and sometimes I want to lock her in a protective cage to keep others from harming my precious child. I wish for something beyond reality, and that's for the world and life to be forever kind to my kids. But if the world is always kind and if they are never hurt, never exposed to negativity; how would they ever see the light and beauty in this world, themselves, and others? How does one, for example, teach the meaning of kindness without having knowledge of the opposite? Besides, I don't think it's even possible to put one's children in proverbial bubbles (though I'd check out the infomercial if someone invented one).

At bedtime, I told Evie once again, that she is beautiful and that people come in all shapes and sizes. Everyone has different abilities and capabilities. I reiterated Rachel's advice from last year of vocalizing her displeasure when someone is mean to her. I'm not sure she believed me, but she was empowered to speak up, and fell asleep peacefully.

I realize, this will be a conversation that we'll be having over and over and over again throughout the years. One friend emailed to say that perhaps little girls mirror the self esteem levels of their mothers despite what their mother's tell them. I appreciate the truth in that and have been trying to improve my own self image as well. Something I haven't remembered in years has been going through my mind in the last few days. I've mentioned in the past that I have some mild agoraphobia. I had been home from college for days without going outside. My little brother on his way out said to me, "You're not ugly you know." I cried after he left, confused because I didn't know what to believe about myself.

I wonder now, how a person who has my kind of emotional history can raise children with any kind of confidence level beyond low. The answer is of course, that I have to be more confident myself. So, to cap this long and meandering post which began with Evie, I'll end with Lien, who both hopes and fears that her daughter is a reflection of her mother.

(In the style of Angie's 3 Things) Here are three things I like about my physical self:

1)I like my face. My sisters and cousins tell me that I have the nicest facial complexion in the family -- clear and peachy. I've had male friends ask if I'm wearing make up when I'm not (I rarely do) so it's nice to know that my features stand out without needing makeup. My eyelashes are reasonably long and thick enough so I don't need much eyeliner or mascara to make them appear thicker. My lips don't need liner and are a decent color without lipstick. I'm a little unhappy with my nose but then so is Sarah Jessica Parker and I like my chin when I can see it and as a resting place for my hand.
2) I like my finger nails, my mom is a manicurist (oi, Vietnamese and nail salons, one day I shall rant and rant about that one) and she tells me I have very nice nails. All by their lonesome, they just need a quick buff to look like a french manicure.
3) Hmm, is it sad that I'm really pressed to come up with three? I'll have to get back to this one.

****

RESPONSES:

Thank you bloggy friends for your comments of advice, cyber hugs, and support.

You give great advice. I'm going to stop talking about dieting (I've lost 15lbs since November, weight watchers really does work!) around the kids. I'll definitely keep up with the praise and affirmations. I'll also try to be on my best behavior regarding exercise and activity. I'm currently trying to convince J that we all need to find a family fitness activity that we all like. Some form of martial arts might be in order (as inspired by Ms. FingKASIL)

Sandra, I ordered that American Girl Real Beauty book. It looks like it has some great ideas on how to inspire Evie (and myself) to a better self image. Thanks for the suggestion!

Kim and Kimberley, I know right, SIX! It seems like the half life for an innocent and carefree childhood keeps getting shorter and shorter with every generation.

Alice, you hit on something that I think will be very important and that is consistency. The world can be unpredictable, but our home should be consistently a haven for love and support. In other words, it should be a home. How many ills of this world could be avoided if everyone had a safe and secure place to go to both physically and emotionally?

halfmama and Angela, thank you, thank you thank you for sharing and letting me know my Evie is not alone. HM, the concept of being happy with your looks is totally foreign to me too.

Hedgehog, I hope it's a phase too, but if not, I'm going to make myself ready for the long haul on this one.

PS I know everyone knows what Evie looks like, but in case you don't know, this is what I look like.

Portrait of "Not Ugly" in fact, some might even say "pretty"