Evolving Evie 2
4:40 AM and I'm supposed to be studying, but of course, I'm worried about Evie. J and I had an IM conversation earlier today while we were at our respective jobs and he typed, "Kids=Stress, Girls=5X Stress".
The conversation was on a different Evie related topic, but still, it fits. I don't think I worry about JT's emotional health as much as Evie's. There's so much in this world that is meant to break down a person's self esteem in order to make one want to conform to someone's idea of normal. For some reason, it feels as though the vast majority of this pressure is aimed at women and girls. I wonder if I felt this pressure at such a young age.
Evie has already started comparing her body to other girls and has said she's "fat and need[s] to lose weight". She occasionally starts doing jumping jacks while saying she needs more exercise. As someone who's always struggled with weight, it's heartbreaking that she says these things compulsively, as if these are natural things for young girls to be discussing with others. I wonder if J and I made her think about herself this way by mentioning that we need to lose some weight (which we do).
There's just this change in Evie since she began school again after the holidays. She's still the happy silly old soul she was before, but her speech has been colored by sporatic proclamations of self loathing that I can't bear to hear. Who wants to hear someone they love speak of themselves in such a way? I don't know what else to do but be supportive and give her extra hugs and encouragment. What would you do?
8 comments:
That's so sad. Is she getting it from school? I think all you can really do is model healthy behaviors/ attitudes. Tell her she is beautiful and you love her exactly the way she is.
I agree that it's probably not good to talk about losing weight in front of her. Maybe instead, you all can do active things together, like riding your bikes or running around the playground.
I hope you're able to work through this with her. {{{Hugs}}}
You kind of prepare to hear that talk when they are older, but at age six? Heartbreaking. I agree with the other comment just model good behavior and doing what you are doing, which is letting her know she is loved. I wish I had a better answer.
The American Girl books maybe a little bit too old, but they do have one called "Real Beauty." I've never read it myself, but maybe you could get some ideas from it?
Oh goodness, I can't believe this type of talk starts so early now. I definitely believe in speaking positively and giving praise, but I wonder how much they believe (as compared to what their peers say... just like you've wondered here previously). I so wish that little girls could stay innocent and carefree longer than they do now...
If it makes you feel any better, my niece (now 11) went through a stage like this right about Evie's age. We were all mortified when she announced how 'fat' she was (skinny as a rail) and how she had to lose weight. It was pretty obvious it was the influence of her friends and the media. Of course, her parents are divorced so there might have been influences in the other house that we didn't know about, but by the way she talked, we suspected it was more her friends' influence.
When we asked her why she thought she was fat, she shrugged, as if she didn't even know what she was talking about. We asked her to show us where she was fat and she had no idea what to show us.
Now she is 11, not as skinny as she once was, growing a ton, and eating more than me (and an inch shorter than me, I might add). I haven't heard her talk about 'being fat' for several years now. She eats everything, and never talks about dieting or exercising. Luckily, the girl loves salads and vegetables!
I think she does get self-conscious about her body now though -- when she tries on clothes I can see it in her face and her actions. But I think that is just a normal 'tween' thing.
I agree that living the healthy lifestyle is the best influence you can have instead of talking about dieting... but that's a lot easier to say than do.
I have a friend who loves everything about herself. Sometimes she talks about dieting but usually it's more about exercise and eating better. She loves herself, her body at any size, and is carefree and happy. I found it so curious when I first met her. Then I met her mom, and I understood. Her mom? Exactly the same way. They are not conceited at all, but you can tell they are the kind of people who are confident in their skin and think they are beautiful.
A weird concept to me, but something I try to remember when I'm around my kids, especially Bean. But wow is it tough to think this way!
(Sorry for the long comment!)
I notice that my children need affirmations from us...extra hugs, pats on the back and validation. I think a childhood filled with love and affirmations will counteract the negative thoughts that may pop in her head. Society and TV and media will inevitably fill our childrens brains with images and thoughts...But I really feel that if you provide consistent love and attention, they are good antidotes for these ills!
Alice
Poor little Evie, I am so sorry she is feeling this way. You are doing the right thing by giving her extra hugs and encouragement and letting her know how beautiful and special she is.
I know when my daughter and I talk about people, I stress that everyone has different body types. She may be slim now, but with puberty and aging things might change. We discuss that body type has a lot of different factors that shape how we look. We discuss that we have to love ourselves and take care of ourselves no matter what our natural body type is and we can never judge others by how they look. She gets asked by other kids "are you Chinese?" and she always says "No, I'm half Korean" and I know she finds it annoying and sometimes embarrassing to be singled out and asked questions. But I let her know that is why we have to accept that all people are different and it would be so boring if we were all the same and we have to always remember that everyone has insecurities and be empathetic to others and accept them for who they are. Sorry, for the long rambling post, but it hit home on different levels for me.
Kids these days grow up under a lot of negative pressure. All you can do is to give her encouragement and love. I went through a phase as a kid when I hated it every time my mum told me that there is nothing wrong with my body and I don't need to diet. I dunno how or when I grew out of it but I hope it's just a phase she's going through.
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