Hope

On Saturday as Evie and I were leaving the park, we stopped for a bit to let Evie wash her hands. A few feet away from us, a man was refilling plastic water bottles, oblivious to our presence. He was thin and dirty with his belongings wrapped up in plastic bags by his feet. He didn't even glance at us even though we were so near. He looked hungry and I found myself thinking of the holidays and wondering if this man had anywhere to go, anything to eat, or anything at all to look forward to. I found myself digging in my pockets for whatever money I had; maybe cheer him up a bit. All I had was a twenty dollar bill; I hesitated. Twenty dollars would be a lot to give a man who merely looks destitute. I mean, he hadn't even begged for anything, he was just refilling water bottles and ignoring us. Perhaps I should ignore him.

Instead, I tapped him on the shoulder, gave him the twenty and said, "Happy Holidays!" A surprised look passed over his face and he grinned a joy and gap filled smile, he hesitated and then said, "Oh thank you! And a happy new year to you! I mean next year!" His smile became shy and he seemed to shrug at the lack of words.

"I hope you buy something good to eat," I said.

"Oh, I will!" he replied.

As we walked away, Evie asked, "Is it because he's poor?...And he has no one to take care of him? I'm very lucky I have a mommy and daddy to take care of me. We should help poor people."

I only smiled sadly and said, "Yes, we should help those less fortunate." Of course, by then, the cynical side of my brain which had been silent during the exchange chimed in with its doubt.

The day after, I went out for a bit with my cousins and told them I had to stop by an ATM because I had given the last of my cash to a homeless man. One of them admonished me, "Chi Lien! You should have just donated to a homeless shelter or something! You don't know what he was going to do with that money! You could have just bought him some food."

Of course she was right, I don't know what that man did with the money I gave him, he could have bought food or drugs or alcohol. The truth is when I gave him that money, I only hoped that he would do what he felt was best for him. In my mind what was best was food, it may have been different in his mind. Perhaps he thought I was a chump and went to buy his drug of choice to forget the pain of his situation. I don't know. I can only hope and wonder and not regret twenty dollars I probably would have frittered away on snacks or something equally meaningless to me.

I realize now that I didn't judge the man's character because he was homeless. I only judged his need because he was poor. I think sometimes, people put up barriers to justify not helping the homeless. It's easy to think every homeless person is mentally ill or has a substance abuse problem or is too lazy to work. I know statistics prove that many and maybe the majority are, but that does not negate their need for help. It is true that donating to a homeless shelter would have helped more people, but there is something about looking at someone who is right in front of you that makes the need to do something, even a little thing such as reaching into one's pocket more urgent. Sometimes I do look away, but I'm glad I dug down and put my hope in that man. I can't exactly go find him and ask for my money back and so all there is to do is be glad. Being regretful is a waste of time and besides, all charity is hope. I have a small donation automatically deducted from each of my paychecks. That money is donated each quarter to a few charities that I picked. I'm glad my company has a program which allows me to give so effortlessly, but there is no certainty that those funds aren't being abused either. All I can do is make my small difference and hope.

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This turned out a little longer and more meandering than I thought. Maybe I should stick to memes till I have more time. I hope everyone has a lovely day tomorrow (even if you're in a country that doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving). May you always have the loves of your life nearby to be thankful for. Goodnight.